The Silver Steel AlCATmist
by Hopeless Alchemist
Summary: The evil author Hopeless has trapped the cast of TSSA in a room with no way out. That is, unless they all drink a magical potion. Once they do so, the craziness begins. (side story for my first fan fiction and my first attempt at a CRACK!fic)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So this idea was inspired by Nekotalia, the cat bit from Hetalia: World Series. It's also a side story/omake thing for TSSA. Well enjoy! Or hate! Either works **

**WARNING: BREAKING OF THE FOURTH WALL INEVITABLE**

•

"What the hell are you doing!?" I screamed. Hopeless had stuffed Ed, Al, and me into a room with no doors or windows. Basically a box.

The crazy author laughed evilly. It creeped me out and sent a chill down my spine.

"I've decided," she started, "to have some fun with you guys. You can't get out no matter what."

I narrowed my eyes. She wasn't in the room but I could hear her clearly and I knew she could see me.

"Yo! Author person!" Ed shouted. "What do you plan on doing to us?"

Hopeless sighed and reacted to the first thing he said. "I have a name you know."

'Oh yeah!' I realized. 'Because I'm the OC I'm the only one here's whose ever made contact with this insanity.'

"Whatever!" Ed remarked rudely.

I butted in. "Hopeless, just explain to us what you're doing."

"Okay!" she said her tone a fake perky. "Turn around!"

I sighed and followed orders. I raised an eyebrow at the table with potion bottles. There were three of them all labeled with _Drink me._

I backed up until I hit the wall. "Like hell am I goin' ta drink that!" I said, mocking her accent.

"You'll do it because I am the author and I control everything in this story! And TSSA so you'd better follow my orders."

I stared up at the ceiling. "I'm not following any of your crazy orders! I flipped through that weird book on your desk. Once I drink that something crazy is going to happen to me."

"You mean Alice in Wonderland? And no worries, what happens is funnier than anything Louis Carol could have come up with."

I crossed my arms and shook my head.

"If you drink the potion I'll let you out of this box," she tempted.

Ed scoffed. "I'm just going to get out on my own."

He clapped his hands and hit the wall. Nothing happened.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Hopeless tisked. "Good luck with that Ed. You couldn't get out if you were Father."

The three of us were confused. "Huh?" we all said.

"DAMMIT!" she exclaimed. "I wasn't supposed to mention that!"

I shook my head. "This is why you're the Hopeless Alchemist."

Ed looked at me funny. "What kind of state title is that?"

"The kind given to an epic fail like her."

She cut in. "Shut up all of you! Just grab a potion and chug it!"

"But I don't have a mouth," Al commented.

"Erg!" she groaned. "Just pour it into your suit!"

"But..." he started.

"I SAID SHUT UP! NOW DRINK THE POTIONS SO THIS SIDE STORY CAN FINALLY MOVE ON WITH ITSELF!"

"Calm down," I ordered. I walked back to the table and grabbed the purple potion. I pried the cork off and wrinkled my nose.

'Bottoms up,' I thought as I brought the potion to my lips.

I gagged as I forced myself to swallow.

"That's disgusting!" I exclaimed.

Ed and Al stared at me, waiting for something to happen.

"Your stupid potion is broken." I dropped the bottle and stomped on it. It shattered into little pieces.

My heart began to pound hard and fast I groaned and doubled over.

"Myra!?" The two exclaimed.

"H-hot!" I managed to get out. My eyes grew wide and my body felt as if it were burning from the inside out.

"Are you okay?" Ed asked, genuinely concerned.

My knees gave and I fell to the floor.

"Idiot," I whispered my throat too tight to make words come out.

My clothes felt like they were growing. They were already loose but this was ridiculous.

'So I'm shrinking,' I thought. 'This shouldn't be possible but here we are.'

I was almost paralyzed. I'd gotten to the point where the pain was too much. My lungs wouldn't take in air. Slowly, it began to lessen until the point that I could move again.

I pushed my self up and found that I couldn't get off of my hands.

I moved forward and pushed my head back through the head hole of my shirt. I looked in front of me and saw four feet; Ed's boots and Al's armor. I looked up at them.

How small was I and why didn't they drink the potion?

"Hey Hopeless! Make them drink that crap too!"

The two continued to stare.

"What the hell are you guys looking at?" I questioned.

"Uh, Myra?" Al said.

"What? How much did I shrink?"

Ed responded like the annoying asshole he is. "You were short to begin with so not much, but Al's trying to say you're a cat."

I raised an eyebrow, completely ignoring the short comment. Cat? I glanced down at my hands and screamed.

Twisting and turning around all I saw was the body of a calico. My eyes grew wide and I screamed again. "I'm a goddamn cat! That shouldn't be scientifically possible!" I was suddenly aware of the fact the even my automail transformed.

I heard that bitch of an author burst into laughter. "It works perfectly! Hahaha!"

I was so mad I think my eye twitched. I crawled back into my shirt and lied down.

"You guys have to follow her lead you know. Unless you want to stay in here," Hopeless taunted.

I growled (or hissed? I don't know what cats do) at her.

"Knock it off Loken," she said in her dictator voice. "In this form you can't hurt me."

When (if?) I turned back and went back to being her imaginary friend, she was in for pain.

Somehow I passed out right there under my shirt. Damn my being a cat. Those creatures can sleep anywhere.

**A/N: So how's the side story? It's not a one-shot but it is short. **

**Also, I don't talk to Myra in real life. It's just that whenever I'm writing Fanfiction I have a tendency to think about my characters so it's like I'm talking to them. Just a hopeless quirk of mine.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello readers to my side story! Myra was just turned into a putty cat! (I call all cats that because my cat's name is Kitty.) I'm writing this because of my TSSA writer's block.**

**Weirdness! - I used to have bang but they grew out and are now down to my chin. Lexi-chan commented thhem as anime bangs. I thought that was cool but then this happened. I looked in the mirror and what's there? AN ED ANTENNA! Yes I currently have a small piece of hair that stands straight up like Ed's.**

**Just explaining my hair for later in the chapter **

•

I was sleeping happily until something squished me. The thick sweater and top I was wearing prior to everything made it hard to breath. I was gasping for air until I managed to wiggle my way out.

I came face to face with a golden tabby cat with light bronze eyes. I examined him closer and noticed the one thing that could distinguish Ed from anyone else; the antenna.

I groweled and crawled back under my clothes. I didn't care if I was a cat or not, it's creepy to be nude in front of guys.

I was crushed once again.

"Agck!" I shouted, my spine being broken by the weight on top of me.

I squirmed and poked my head out from under the shirt.

Ed had jumped on top of me.

"Idiot! Get the hell off of me!" I shouted. He narrowed his eyes and I lost it. I got around and tackled him. I pressed a paw (weird) against the top of his back to keep him down. I opened up my paw pads and extended my new found claws. I dug them into his back. I felt a sick sense of acomplishment when he winced.

"What the hell? I was trying to wake you up!" He said, voice muffled from the clothes he was on.

Frowning I retracted my claws and his muscles relaxed some. I didn't get off though. His torture wasn't over yet.

"Why did you get on top of me? Why not throw a bucket of hot water on ne? Bucket included!" I said, voice gradually getting louder.

Hopeless's voice came in. "Myra! Get off of Ed!"

I growled again and moved. Ed got up and moved his shunken automail hand/paw against his neck.

"Damn," he complained. He looked back over at me and said, "For a small body you sure weigh a ton."

I exploded. "Stuff it you shrimpy bastard! I'm loosening up about my height but now you're calling me fat!" I pounced on him and started going crazy.

"Stop fighting you guys!" Al's voice said.

I looked behind me and started laughing. Al had turned into an adorable metal cat, complete with the ears.

"What?" he said confused.

"Somehow I always knew you would make a cute cat! I can't help it! Haha!"

I began rolling on the floor with laughter. Ed was staring up at Al.

"Huh. He does look kinda cute like this," Ed added.

If Al had a flesh face it'd be red by now. I was able to imagine him and it made me laugh again.

"Yeah yeah, Al's adorable."

This was the point when I realized Hopeless was standing against the opposite wall. For some reason she was wearing pajama pants and a blue shirt, as if she had been lounging around all day. Along with that she was wearing her glasses and her hair reminded me of Ed, mainly because of the antenna.

"It's kinda funny, my younger sister is jealous of May because of her relationship with him." Hopeless commented.

The three of us stared with question mark faces.

"Uh..." I said.

"Who's May?" Ed asked.

There were a few moments of silence before Hopeless went insane again. "Agck! Again!" she said scratching her head. "Why the hell do I keep mentioning key characters you guys won't meet for a while!? I'm such a bad author! This is what I get for breaking the fourth wall."

Hopeless sighed and began to mumble. After a moment she went to her emo corner to mope.

"Uh... Hopeless?" I said. "Can we move on from this topic?" While I was wondering who the hell these people were, I just wanted to put my clothes back on.

She immeadiatly perked up and towered above the three of us. I felt smaller than normal and backed away.

"Uh, Hopeless wasn't it?" Ed said. She nodded her head. "So can you explain some things? Starting with why do you remind me of Myra?"

She and I frowned at him. "What do you mean?" she questioned.

"The weird way you switch emotions. You were depressed and now you're happy," he explained.

I think my eye brow lifted, but because of my fur I couldn't tell. "What does that have to do with me?"

He shook his head and sighed. "Nevermind."

I was still windering what he meant, but I was more focussed on the fail of an author. She was staring off into space with her hand on her chin, thinking about something. After a moment she gave up.

"Okay!" she said, clapping her hands together dranatically. "Time to set you guys free!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Huh?"

She smiled and the scene changed. We were now standing on a sidewalk somewhere in Central.

Hopeless grinned creepily, sending an odd shiver down my spine.

"I'm not liking that look," I said.

She shrugged. "Whatever."

Without so much as a chance for me to respond haughtily, she clapped her hands together and moved on from the subject.

"Okay! So the potion should wear off in a few days. Until that happens I'm going to stand in the sidelines and keep an eye on you guys."

Question marks appeared our heads.

"Sidelines?" Ed commmented.

Hopeless waved him off. "It's a saying from my dimension. I don't think you guys have sports on this side of the gate."

Even more question marks came up.

"Uh, Hopeless? What do you mean 'gate'?" I asked.

Everything was silent for a moment before she was repeating what happened earlier.

"I can't believe how inncompetant I can be! Here I am trying to follow a Brotherhood story line and now I'm talking FMAO!"

There were question marks on top of questions marks now.

"Hopeless," I started. "You realize we know absolutely nothing about what you're saying, right?"

She sat in her emo corner and moped. **(A/N: For those of you who don't know what an emo corner is, watch almost any episode of Host Club. It'll make more sense)**

For what felt like hours we stood there while Hopeless was wallowing in self pity. Eventually I went up and interrupted her.

"Can we move on or what?" I questioned, my tone irritated. "I'd like to get back to wearing clothes. You have no clue how uncomfortable it is to be like this."

She stood up and brushed herself off before looking at the three of us. "Well, seeing as I'm not a part of this world in any way I'm gonna be on my way." She held up two fingers and dissapeared.

"Something else that shouldn't be at all possible; people dissappearing and reappearing," I commmented.

Al's voice chimed in. "So what now?"

I shrugged (at least I think I did) and glanced around and noticed a Xingese resturaunt. My eyes grew wide and I backed away. "For starters we steer clear of that place."

**A/N: So! Still working out what kind of kitty adventures these guys are going to have. **

**My character really is hopeless. The number of times she mentions things she shouldn't has reached it's limits. **

**Before you question the Xingese resturaunt thing, I'll say this; my mom worked at a Chinese resturaunt while in college. A few years after she left the place was shut down because cats were found in the freezers. Xing is kinda like FMA's version of China. I came to this conclusion: Cats+Xingese Resturaunt=Bad things to come**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: TSSA is still stuck. I'm trying to figure out how Myra's gonna take Hughes dying even though she knew him for only a little while. (Sighs) Oh well.**

**Before I let you go on reading I'll say this; I HATE BIOLOGY! I wish I was older and could take chemistry. I've been fond of it even before I found FMA. I mean it's currently really easy because we're doing DNA and crap (I won a third place medal for the Heredity event at Science Olympiad), but I still hate it.**

**Enough of my complaining, 'cause none of you really give a damn. We now continue with our regularly scheduled fanfic.**

The guys looked at me as if I were crazy.

"What the hell are you talking about Myra?" Ed questioned.

I shook my head and continued to back away slowly. "I'm warning you, we'd better stay away. I've heard what happens to small, fluffy animals when they find their way near foreign restaurants."

"But aren't those all rumors?" Al said a somewhat nervous tone in his voice. I assumed it was because he loved cats.

"I don't care if they are rumors. I'm not taking any chances with that place."

I turned around and bolted down the sidewalk, trying to avoid getting stepped on.

"Myra! Wait for us!" Ed's voice shouted.

I was having trouble using my hands to run. 'How do animals do this!?' I thought.

My eyes grew wide as the foot of a large man in black clothes came down in front of me.

"AH!" I screamed. I shuffled backwards trying to avoid him.

The man looked down at me and scowled. "Filthy animal," he grumbled.

My eyes narrowed at him. "Come here and say that to me directly you bastard!" I shouted.

It was as if he was deaf. His foot came back and kicked me into an alley way.

"AH!" I screamed again. I was flying through the air before my back crashed against a trash can. I fell in a heap on the ground.

"Myra!" the brothers said at the same time. I heard a light metal clanking on the ground as they both came over.

I moaned slightly as I attempted to stand up. My front paws pushed me up into a sitting position. I glanced down at my automail and tested to make sure I could still move it.

"Damn that hurt. I'd rather have to deal with bad guys. At least then I stand a chance of winning," I complained.

Asshole Ed came back. "Not much of a chance if you ask me."

I growled and pounced on him. I dug my claws into his chest and forced his body into the ground. "How about now?"

I heard a familiar sigh and growled at nothing.

"Ed, quit picking fights. Myra let him go or I'll hand you over to that restaurant back there."

Hopeless materialized out of thin air and grabbed me by the skin on the back of my neck. Ed cried out in pain as my claw pulled out of him forcefully.

"Let me go Hopeless!" I screamed. For some reason I was paralyzed and couldn't move.

She laughed evilly. "Haha! Works on Lucian every time, so I kinda knew it would work on you."

"Who's Lucian?" Al questioned.

"He's my uncle's cat. Dumb as nails that creature," she said. She put her free hand on her hip and stood there with me glaring.

"Can you let me down? This really doesn't feel comfortable."

Her hand released me and I fell to the ground again, landing with a thud.

"Ow," I hissed. I turned my head back up at her and said, "You couldn't have been a little gentler?"

"Nope," she responded simply.

"Tch. First it was that bastard in black and now an ignorant author." A light bulb flashed on in my head with that.

"Hey Hopeless! I was screaming insults at that guy but he didn't think anything of it."

She put a hand on her chin in thought again. Suddenly she shouted, "Oh yeah!"

"What!?" I shouted, mocking her.

"Only I can understand what you guys are saying because I'm the author!"

I was so annoyed it was like a tick mark was drawn on my forehead. "Why didn't you say anything earlier!?"

She rubbed the back of her neck with her hand. "I, uh, forgot?"

"That's such a lame excuse!" I screamed.

"You know as well as I do that I forget things to easily!"

More tick marks attached themselves to me. "I give up! You're completely hopeless!"

The conversation hit wall as the three of them burst into laughter.

"That was such a bad pun!" Ed exclaimed.

I wanted to slap all of them, but I was afraid of what kind of punishment Hopeless would put me through if I did.

While they laughed I made my way back to the sidewalk.

"Damn them. If I had one wish I'd ask for a world without puns. Forget bringing back the dead. I'll do something to make this world saner," I grumbled to myself. In essence I could have been screaming, but even if my words came out as meows, people would still stare at me like I was crazy.

'I bet they're still laughing at that stupid joke.' I thought.

I was getting even more annoyed as I walked. Being short made long distances longer, but being a freaking cat was worse.

'Since this is Central maybe I can find HQ and the Colonel. He'll be confused as crap but it's worth a shot.'

I looked around and sighed. "I'd have better luck waiting for someone to take me home like Al does."

Unfortunately looking cute wasn't easy. Even as a small animal, "cute" was something that couldn't be achieved by someone such as me.

Something grabbed the scruff of my neck and I was paralyzed like before.

"What the hell?" I exclaimed.

I was raised up to see a foreigner looking me in the eyes. An evil smile spread across his face.

"The metal leg could be a problem, but we'll work around that," he commented.

I swallowed hard. "Does no one see this!?" I screamed.

"No worries. You'll make a great main course."

"Do you always talk to your food?" I questioned. "Seriously guy, cats won't understand what you're saying."

That fact slapped me hard. I was now a cat.

"Oh shit," I muttered.

The guy began walking towards the other end of the street. My eyes grew wide and I was hyperventilating.

"Someone help me!" I screamed at the top of my small lungs. I directed my attention to the guy and cried out, "I'm not a cat I swear! Let me go! Hopeless! What have you done!? How could you kill off the main character so easily! Stop laughing at that pun and save my ass now!"

•••

A small voice broke through Hopeless's thoughts. She glanced down at the brothers, who had gotten into their own conversation. The cinnamon coated Myra was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey guys, where did Myra go?"

**A/N: Dun dun DUN! I guess that the last chapter was a bit of foreshadowing. It was just an idea at first, but it's working out great. Isn't it funny how things always manage to work themselves out if you just go with it? **

**Myra: Great job Miss Author. But can you get your ass over here and save mine. **

**Me: Just wait. I have to make your saving dramatic!**

**Myra: (glares) No you don't. Just break in a yank me out.**

**Me: But that's no fun…**

**Myra: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! JUST SAVE ME ALREADY!**

**Don't forget to review! Sayonara for now my faithful followers!**

**Myra: DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: When we last saw our heroes, Myra was about to be turned into a meal. Good grief, now that I read over that sentence I realize how weird it sounds. But hey! What's a side story without some parts that aren't supposed to happen?**

**Well I'll go on with this.**

•••

They all began looking around.

Hopeless suddenly realized what had happened.

"Myra must have been kidnapped!" she exclaimed.

Ed looked at her with a questionable expression on his face. "Of course that makes sense," he said sarcastically.

She glared at him and said, "Well do you have a better idea?"

The calmest person in the group looked down either side of the street. If his eyes could have grown, they would have. "Guys! I found her!" Al said.

Ed and Hopeless looked over at him before moving over to where he was currently standing.

"What do you mean Al?" Ed commented. "I don't see her anywhere."

Hopeless frowned before her jaw dropped and her eyes widened. "Myra!"

A question mark popped up over Ed's head. "Huh?"

Hopeless growled at him before grabbing him around his stomach.

"Hey!" he exclaimed as he was lifted high above her head.

"Do you see now!?" she complained.

Ed looked around, enjoying the view from so high up. "So this is how the world looks from so high up."

Hopeless tch-ed and brought him to her face. "Will you focus you shrimp kabob?"

His face puckered. "Kabob!?"

She went silent again before imploding. "Damn it! You guys wouldn't get the reference because you haven't been to Briggs yet!" She pressed Ed against her chest and squeezed her arms. "This is exactly why I'm hopeless!"

Ed pressed all fours against her and tried to shove himself away from her.

Hopeless was knocked out of her problems long enough to feel Ed's desperate pawing.

She dropped him instantly. "I'm not sure if you were trying to get away or if you were being a perv."

Ed's jaw dropped and his brother looked at him.

"I can't believe you Brother," Al said.

"What!?" Ed cried. He imagined the disappointed and accusing face his brother would have been wearing if he had his body. "I swear I wasn't doing anything! I just wanted her to let me go."

"Of course that's it," Hopeless responded sarcastically. She shook her head and sighed. She looked up before feeling the blood rush to her face. "I can't believe it! We were so caught up in Ed's perverted-ness that we forgot about Myra!"

Ed got flustered again as he said, "I wasn't being perverted!"

She ignored him and started running down the street.

"Oh great, now we have to catch up," Ed complained.

"Come on Brother. I know you care about Myra, so let's go," Al said before running after.

"What are you talking about!?" Ed exclaimed.

Al was already out of range.

•

"I demand you let me go! I don't care if you don't speak cat, listen to me dammit!"

The guy walked into a building and threw me into a small metal cage. He locked the door and crouched down so that his face was next to the bars. "You sure are talkative. Best you get it all out while you can. Chef isn't fond of cats that make so much noise."

My eyes grew wide as I swallowed. "What the hell is with this guy? I'd rather be taken hostage again then have to spend another minute in here with him!"

He left the room and slammed the door behind him.

"Like hell am I staying here. If the guys don't find me I'll get out myself."

I got on my hind legs and stretched up to the lock. Once my paw brushed against the lock I began pushing at the latch.

"Damn my short stature!" I groaned as I stretched my arm. After a few moments I sat back down and sighed.

"Hey girlie," a voice said.

My ears perked up and directed me to the direction that the voice was coming from.

I made eye contact with a black cat who was sitting in a cage about three meters in front of me.

"You can talk?" I said confused.

"Well of course I can talk," he said insulted.

"Uh, sorry," I said, rubbing my paw against the back of my neck.

"Why are you doing that?" he questioned. "Do you have an itch?"

I brought my paw back down. "No it's just something humans do."

"But you're a cat, not a human. You look really weird doing that."

Part of me felt insulted that he'd called me weird, but I responded with, "I am a human actually!"

Everything was quiet but then he burst into laughter. "Human! Hahahahahaha! That's the best joke I've heard since I got here!"

"I'm telling you the truth! My author gave me a potion that turned me into a cat!"

I was getting annoyed. I wanted to go all out until he couldn't talk anymore.

It was as if a light bulb had lit up above my head. Alchemy!

I ignored his laughing and twisted my arms around so that I could clap. Once I'd done so I hit the lock on the cage.

.

.

.

"What the hell!?" I exclaimed. I repeated the process of trying to get my paws together and hit the lock.

"Yo! Girlie! What are you trying to do?"

I continued to ignore him as I paced around the cage. 'Think Loken. What can you use to make a circle?'

I continued to pace before looking at my paws. The idea slapped me in the face. I flashed out my claws a pierced my left paw pad.

This got the cat's attention. "What are you doing kid?"

I drew a simple transmutation circle with my blood and pressed my paws against it.

A slight blue light appeared. My eyes grew wide in anticipation. When hardly anything happened I felt like I should burst into tears.

'Can cats even cry?' I thought as I slumped down to the ground.

"Hey kid. Once that guy comes by you can make a run for it. He'll open the door and you'll be able to get out."

The thought intrigued me, but it was pointless seeing as the way outside would remain locked up tight.

•••

Hopeless looked through the small window at the top of the door. She had to jump up and down to get a good look. She saw Myra lying down in a cage.

"My poor little OC. How could I have let her get into this situation?"

"If you were a real author you'd have better control over your characters," Ed chimed in.

Hopeless glared down at him with the same look Izumi got when someone called her old. "You had better shut up before I end up sticking you into the worst possible situation."

Ed decided to stay quiet. She hadn't given any examples but he wasn't going to find out.

She moved the door knob, trying to get it unlocked.

"I need to give her her alchemy back," Hopeless said.

The two brothers looked at her. "You never gave any of us out alchemy back!?" they exclaimed at them same time.

"I get lost easily! You can't blame me for something I can't help! I don't blame you for having automail," she said defensively.

This hit a nerve and Ed went into the emo corner this time. (**A/N: Ed and Tamaki share Vic Minogna's voice so it makes some sense, right?)**

Hopeless ignored him and continued trying to look through the window.

Then something scary happened; she got an idea.

**A/N: YUP! An idea! It's very scary whenever that happens. Just ask any of my friends and they'll say so.**

**Well I've been typing for a little more than four hours on all this. No, it hasn't taken me four hours to type just this stuff. There has been a TON of distractions that include cleaning, eating, and shirt wooting (one of the t-shirt websites I get my favorite shirts from). **

**Well Sayonara my wonderful readers! Depending on how much homework I have there may very well be another chapter of this waiting for you all **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Huzah! Let us all bow before the mighty author, for she has given us another chapter! **

**Sorry for the old English. We're studying medieval times in World History. And you don't have to bow, I'm just being me.**

**Well, I have nothing to rant about, so let's move on, shall we?**

•••

Ed and Al had known Hopeless for only a few hours, but they could tell that an idea was something to be feared.

"This can't be good," Ed remarked.

Hopeless glared at him and he shrank away. "I am the author and you shall do as I say!"

Al came forward and said, "What are you thinking?"

An evil grin showed up on her face, causing nothing but discomfort among them.

She pointed to the small vent that was conveniently place a couple feet the side of the door. Both of the brothers got nervous.

"It'll be just like at Lab 5! Except this time without the guards and homunculi!"

"How do we know that's the case!? For all we know Gluttony could be sitting back there waiting for us!" Ed exclaimed.

Hopeless gave him an odd look before shaking her head. "You're full of it. I'm the one writing this so I know for a fact that there's nothing scary on the other side."

Still uncomfortable with the situation, Ed remarked, "You mean to tell us that you really meant to put Myra in this situation?"

"Urp!" she choked. "Uh, I… Well… I didn't originally…" She tried to find an excuse but nothing seemed right.

'Just what I thought, she wanted all of this to happen,' Ed thought.

Hopeless changed the subject. "I'll pull the thing off so that the two of you can crawl in. After that you unlock the cage and come back through. Got it?"

Ed sighed and decided to follow her orders. "Yeah, whatever."

Hopeless pried the bars off of the vent shaft and helped them get in.

"I'll stand watch here, okay?"

Hopeless was ignored as the two ventured into the evil restaurant.

•

"This seriously sucks," I mumbled.

"Cheer up kid. I've been here for at least a couple days, so you have some time to reflect over how your life has been," the black cat said, not helping matters at all.

I growled at him. "Do you ever shut up? You haven't stopped talking since I got here."

"That's because I've been here all by myself for a while. The last guy got what was coming to him though. I swear the stories he went on and on about, I'm happy they finished him off. That won't be the case for me, I'm a good guy, ya know? I hope my remains get buried somewhere nice, but I doubt it seeing as how we're about to human food. By the way, I still don't believe that story you were telling me earlier. This author of your seems like a bitch. She's the one controlling everything yet here you are, stuck in a cage…"

"Will you shut up!?" I screamed at him. My patience had worn paper thin and he had just hit the last nerve. "I'm tired of your rambling! I don't find murder necessary but right now I feel like a killer! You'd have your vocal cords pulled out of your ass by now if it weren't for this cage! Just stop! Talking!"

I looked over at the guy and sighed.

"That hurt kid. Not as much as having you do what you just said you would do, but still. It hurt." He sat in the corner of his cage and moped. He reminded me of Hopeless when he did that, causing me the feel irritated.

"When is that lazy ass writer going to save me?" I thought out loud.

As if on cue I heard a loud thump above me. Several more followed before I understood the situation. It made my stomach drop.

'This can't be good.'

Sure enough, a loud metal creaking sounded off and the ceiling fell to the ground in a pile of wood and metal.

"Dammit!" a voice said. I felt even more irritated then before, because I knew right off it was Ed.

"Hey shrimpy!" I called. "Took you long enough!"

"Who the hell are you calling shrimpy you midget!?" his voice chimed back.

Al's metal head and Ed's fat one emerged from the wreckage. Ed's annoyance was clearly visible.

When they made their way over to my cage, Ed frowned. "What the hell is all that?" he questioned.

I raised an eyebrow and looked down at what he was staring at. "Oh! That's a transmutation circle. I can't clap my hands like this so I drew one using my blood."

"I'm going to take a wild guess and say it didn't work," he remarked.

"No shit smart ass! Other wise none of us would be here!" I exclaimed, getting closer to the bars so I could yell in his face. "Now get me out of here!"

He jumped on top of the cage and began to paw at the lock. I finally heard a click and the door opened. A smile spread across my face and I leaped out of the cage.

"Freedom!" I exclaimed. I was flying through the air for a moment, before I came cashing down on top of Al.

His head fell off and rolled across the room before hitting the door to get out.

"I'm so sorry Al!" I cried out as I got off of him. "I got it!"

I ran over to his head and attempted to pick it up with my hands, before feeling like an idiot. 'Duh.' I bit the hair on the back and dragged it over to him.

"Great going Myra," Ed said, shaking his head at me.

"Oh shut up!" I fumed.

The black cat began talking again. "Hey guys! I'd be a little quieter if I were you!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Says the guy who never stops talking."

"Seriously kid! That guy is going to come back if there's anything weird going on."

Of course that was the jinx that started disaster.

**A/N: So once again I leave you on a cliff hanger of sorts. I would go on, but I've decided to continue on with the somewhere-over-a-thousand-words-per-chapter thing I've got going on. **

**Until we meet again, sayonara :-)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hopeless has returned! I'm so happy right now, just because I'm almost done with this. When someone says side story you generally think of a one shot. This could have been a oneshot if I wanted it really long, but I didn't. I prefer going in little chunks and it's worked fo me so far. **

**Well I'll get on with it. Sorry if it's jumbled in the middle. I've been working on this on and off.**

•••

Hopeless watched anxiously as Ed and Al got to Myra.

'Come on guys! Get back up there!'

She held out her hand and watched as a light glowed. Her favorite pen appeared and she began writing on her hand.

_Ed and Al's alchemy comes back. _

She clicked the end and thought about the Inkheart movie, mainly about how the girl was able to change everything by writing in the book.

She looked back in the window. Ed and Myra were arguing again.

Hopeless looked over the room before her eyes went wide.

She began to pull on the door knob. Nothing was working. She then tried to bang on the door to get their attention.

The door opposite to hers opened. She ducked down when she saw the man.

'There's only one thing left to do,' she thought.

•

The sound of a door opening caused us all to freeze.

The Xingese man from before was standing in the doorway.

"I warned you," the black cat said.

In almost any other situation I would have torn him to shreds. With the giant man towering over us, I didn't know what reaction to take.

"So you thought you could get away, huh?" He stepped forward and lifted me by the scruff again. "Didn't realize you would be so tricky. And you brought friends. That headless metal one puzzles me, but it'll do."

Did he not see the giant hole in the cieling?

I glanced over at the Elrics. "Something tells me we won't be getting out so easily."

I was sorta wrong.

My cat ears perked up, catching every sound I could. I looked at the door. Hopeless wasn't standing there anymore.

'Damn author! Who does she think she is, leaving us alone? If she hadn't gotten bored with TSSA that one time we wouldn't be in this situation.'

A loud thump against the outside door caused us all to be confused.

"Huh?" we all said.

A series of harsh curse words followed our huhs.

"Don't tell me..." I groaned.

It was Hopeless, attemting to break down the door. I sighed in exasperation. 'She's too weak to get that door down, what the hell is she thinking?'

I was wrong about her. This was the wrong that caused the first wrong.

Moments later Hopeless came busting through. Wood bits few in various directions as Hopeless and a majority of the door fell to the ground.

I stared wide eyed and jaw open, a weird thing to see on a cat. But seeing as I'm human it seemed normal at the time.

A low groan resonated through out the room as Hopeless tried to push herself up.

"Damn that hurt," she complained.

I sighed. 'My hero is hopeless. In more ways than one.'

She stood up and brushed herself off. She got into a fighting stance and narrowed her eyes at the man.

"I hope you realize that that's my OC you've got your hands on. Put her down or else," she said.

Something inside of me knew she wasn't kidding.

The man began laughing. "Or else what? You don't expect me to believe a little _shrimp _like you can actually hurt me."

Hopeless went into her emo corner to mope.

"Get a hold of yourself!" I shouted. "Ed and Al can't do any damage and I'm frozen! Kick his ass already!"

Hopeless said nothing as she stood up. There was an evil darkness in her blue-green eyes as something snapped.

The man began laughing again, only to be kicked down. His hand released me, but I couldn't get away in time to not get squished. Somehow I survied.

The man scrambled to his feet. "You brat," he growled as he glared at the author. He clenched his hands into fists and charged at her. Hopeless blocked his punches and eventually landed one of her own on his face. A chill went up my spin when I heard a crunch.

Her fist came back with blood on the knuckles. Her eyes widened when she looked at her hand. She began panicking and shook her hand.

"Eww eww eww!" she cried as she danced about. I sighed and looked over at the man. He was holding his face in his hands, moaning.

'Well this is too weird for words,' I thought. Raising an eyebrow at the sight before me, I turned around to look at the other guys. Ed shrugged and Al was still fixated on trying to get his head on.

I looked over at the door before walking out.

"I'm going to find someplace to hide!" I called out.

I went out into the streets and started running.

'This is crazy! What was she thinking turning us into cats like this!? It doesn't make sense!'

I kept running until I saw a familiar hotel.

I ran up to the front door. I looked in and saw who I was looking for at the bottom of the stairs.

I hurried in as someone pushed the door open and ran over to her.

"Winry!" I screamed. I kept running until I got to the stairs.

The blonde girl looked annoyed. "When I get my hands on those guys..." her mumbling voice trailed off.

"Winry! It's me!" I said as I hobbled up the stairs.

She looked over and raised an eyebrow. "A cat?"

"Damn, " I said with a sigh. "You can't hear me either."

She reached over to pet me. I scooted away and sat down.

"Come here," she demanded.

I shook my head. "No way in hell, Win."

She raised an eybrow before looking me over. She finally noticed my automail. "That's odd. What happened to your leg?"

I sighed and flopped down on my side. "This is pointless. At least as long as I'm with you I won't get cooked."

Winry looked startled after I said this. I perked my ears up and looked around. "What?"

Winry looked down at me.

"What?" I said, flopping again. "Is it the automail? What's weird about it? Den has a metal leg."

"Did you just talk?" she questioned.

I raised an eyebrow. "Hm?

She stared at me in shock. "What the..."

"Win, if you're gonna say something say some thing already," I grumbled.

The next thing I knew I was lifted into the air and my face met hers.

"Do that again," she ordered.

I blinked. "It's like you think you can understand me or something."

I was dropped down onto my back. I grunted in pain as I stood up. "Winry! What the hell was that for!?" I shouted.

She mumbled something under her breath before coming at me again. "Why are you a cat?"

I blinked again. "Huh?"

"Myra, stop playing stupid," she said. "I'd know that voice anywhere and everything else just gives it away."

"You mean you can hear me?" I said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, but why are you a cat?" she asked, clearly confused.

"Hopeless the author made Ed, Al, and me drink some weird potion and now we're cats. I was nearly eaten but Hopeless and the guys save me."

"The guys were with you?"

"Yes, I just said that. We all turned into cats."

Something like a smile stretched across her face. "Sound's like Al's dream come True."

I laughed. "He does makes a very adorable cat," I said.

We'd gotten off topic and Winry brought us back. "So why did you think I wouldn't be able to hear you?"

I sighed in irritatin, the author in mind. "Hopeless has been the only one so far to understand us, other than that really annoying cat at the resturaunt."

Winry raised an eyebrow. "Resturaunt?"

"I'll explain a little later." A light went off in my head. "Crap," I mumbled.

"What?" she asked.

"If you can hear me that must mean what ever potion Hopeless gave me is wearing off."

Her eyes went wide. "Let's get in the room before you turn back."

"That's a good plan," I said.

I started to follow her up to the room when my heart started pounding.

"Dammit," I said. My legs felt weak and my body went limp.

"What's going on?" Winry asked. I heard her footsteps coming back down the stairs.

"Wearing... off," I coughed out as my chest started to get tight.

Winry lifted me up and craddled my small body in her arms. She ran down the hall as I started to black out.

I felt the same burning sensation as before as I was tossed onto something soft and squishy. My body eventually went numb and soon I was out again.

**A/N: Dun dun DUN! Haha, so I've finally gotten back to alCATmist. And it's almost over! Yup, the kitty TSSA cast is almost done with this portion of their lives. Fear not fluffy buddies! While this may end, TSSA is _far_ from over. I may do something like this in the future, but nothing any time soon. Until we meet again! **


	7. The End!

**A/N: It's finally here, the amusing ending to alCATmist. I'm almost sad 'cause I rather like them all as cats. Oh well, they couldn't stay like that forever. They have other things to do.**

**Well enjoy and see ya later! TTFN!**

•

I woke up some time later as a human again, wearing the clothes I originally had on. This brought on some uncomfortable, awkward, and potentially creepy thoughts as to why this was.

As I sat up I noticed Winry was sitting on the bed beside mine, an invisible question mark over her head.

"What?" I asked, frowning.

"That as the weirdest thing I've ever seen," she said.

I raised an eyebrow. "What?" I repeated, somewhat nervous as to what she would say.

"You went from being this little animal to yourself in a matter of minutes. And when you went back to being human you were came back with clothes. I was going to cover you with a blanket or something, but there was no need."

I breathed a sigh of relief. 'I guess Hopeless isn't so hopeless after all. She saved me from an uncomfortable moment with Winry.'

"So who's Hopeless?" Winry asked. "You said she's an author, but what did she write?"

I let my head hang. "Fan fiction," I said, irritated as I answered. "She broke the fourth wall and revealed that our lives are just some story she wrote to entertain the fan people."

Winry frowned in confusion. "What happened to the other three walls?"

A smile stretched across my face and I began laughing. She looked at me as if I'd gone insane. "I have no clue, but that's the funniest thing I've heard today!" I said between breaths.

Once my laughter died down I said, "When I get the chance that idiot author is getting clocked in the face."

An evil smile crept up on Winry's face. Out of nowhere she pulled out a wrench.

My eyes grew wide with the sudden realization. I grinned like her and said, "You, my friend, are brilliant."

•••

Hopeless and the Elric cats were walking down the sidewalk and away from the restaurant when Ed and Al suddenly went unconscious.

She sighed. "Note to self, make a stronger potion," she said as she wrote on her arm.

"Yeah, that's going to happen," a familiar voice said.

Hopeless looked up and saw Myra and Winry, who both had wrenches at the ready.

The author fixed her glasses and smiled nervously. "Hi guys."

"So this is her?" Winry asked Myra.

Myra nodded. "Yeah, it's her."

Hopeless clicked her pen and tucked it behind her ear. "Heh heh. So what's up?"

Myra glared at her. "You made my life a living hell today." She tucked the wrench under her arm and showed Hopeless her hands. There were fresh wounds on her palms. "You let me get trapped by a Xingese man with a taste for cat after making me one, I couldn't clap so I tried drawing a circle and still couldn't get out, didn't come to save me until the end, and let an idiot that can't shut up get on my nerves. Equivalent exchange Hopeless, I owe you for all you've done to me."

The author looked at the wrenches and gulped. "Don't you think that way of thinking about it is a bit twisted?"

Myra glared at her. "You made me so you brought this on yourself." She armed herself with the wrench.

"C-can't we just talk this over?" Hopeless begged.

"Nope," Winry and Myra said in unison, evil grins spread across their faces. At the same time they raised their wrenches and began swinging...

(_The actions and content of this part of the scene have been censored for your safety. Thank you for understanding. Sincerely, the author.)_

... Once they were satisfied, the two girls turned away from the pile of author to face Ed and Al. The girls burst into laughter when they saw them.

The potion's effects hadn't gone away completely and the boys were left with some cat features. Ed still had gold colored ears on his head and a tail poked out from underneath his red coat. Al had two metal ears on his head and he also had a metal tail.

"This isn't funny!" Ed screamed. The girls were too busy laughing to pay attention. Ed fumed and turned to his little brother. "Tell them it's not funny Al!"

The younger Elric, an obvious lover of cats, was happily content with his cat features and didn't bother trying to back up his brother.

'Never try to get a cat lover to help you with something like this,' he thought with an irritated sigh.

It took two weeks for those side effects to go away. During that time Myra discovered that if she scratched Ed behind the ears, he would forget what was going on and be under her control. Needless to say, she took advantage of this.

Every story should have some life lesson, and in this case there are two:

1-If you ever get the chance take advantage of neko Ed.

And 2-Don't drink a potion that some one named Hopeless gives you. In fact, don't drink unidentified potions **ever.** This author says no.

Until we meet again, this is the real Hopeless saying stay soft and never stop loving anime *:-{)


End file.
